A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer. The Texan says, “Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other.”
The Kerry farmer says, “Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too.”
A Spanish singer chatting on television used the word ‘manana’. When asked what that meant, he said it means “maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that, next week, next month or next year. Who cares?” An Irishman in the conversation, Shay Brennan, was then asked if there’s an Irish equivalent. “No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that level of urgency”
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, “Have You seen Mulligan lately, Pat?”Pat said, “Well, I have and I haven’t.”His friend asked, “well what d’ye mean by that?”Pat said, “It’s like this, y’see…I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another…it was neither of us.”
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all you say there?”
The agent said, Certainly ye have…Why do you ask?
Murphy replied, cancel the sale, the place sounds grand to me
O’Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”
There was a Scotsman an Englishman and an Irishman all sitting on a tea – break on a building site the Englishman pipe’s up if my wife put’s Cheese on my sandwich’s again I Am going to kill myself and the Scotsman say’s if my wife put’s Egg on my sandwich’s again I will kill myself and the Irishman say’s if I find Gammon on my sandwich’s again I will kill myself so sure enough the next day all three open up there lunch boxes and find the sandwich’s are all full of Cheese ,Egg and Gammon once again so they all go off to different part’s of the site and kill themselves later in the week all three men are being buried and the englishman’s wife say’s if he didn’t want cheese on his sandwich’s he should have told me and this wouldn’t have happened then the Scotsman’s wife come’s away with the same statement concerning the Egg sandwich’s then the Irishman’s wife pipe’s up I can’t understand this, Paddy make’s his own sandwich’s.
St Patrick’s Day DRINKING JOKES
An Irishman walks into a pub and orders dozens of martinis, removing the olives, placing them in a jar, and drinking the martinis. When the jar is filled with olives and all the martinis drank, he starts to leave. The bartender stops him and asks, “Excuse me but, what was that all about?”
The Irishman replies, “My wife sent me out for a jar of olives.”
Pat and Murphy out fishing and the boat motor dies.
After two days and drifting miles from the coast, they find a bottle in the water. Pat rubs the bottle and a genie poofs out.
“I will grant you one wish,” says the genie.
Without a thought, Pat says, “I wish to turn the sea into Guinness.”
The genie says, “Your wish is my command,” and the sea turns into Guinness.
Murphy yells at Pat, “You fool! Now, we’ll have to pee in the boat!”
Flaherty comes home drunk every evening, upsetting his wife.
One night, she dresses as a red devil and hides in the cemetery to scare him when he walks by.
Flaherty walks by drunk and his wife jumps up yelling, “Flaherty, if you don’t give up your drinking, you will go to Hell.”
Flaherty staggers back and demands, “Who the hell are you?”
She replies, “I’m the devil, you old fool!”
Flaherty responds, “Damn glad to meet you, sir, I’m married to your sister.”
Sister Margaret enters O’Flynn’s liquor store and orders a bottle of Irish whiskey.
O’Flynn frowns and asks, “You’re a nun, why would you want a bottle of Irish whiskey?”
Sister Margaret says, “It’s for Father Reilly. He’s got constipation.”
O’Flynn nods and puts a bottle into a bag.
Later that night, O’Flynn passes an alley and finds Sister Margaret drunk, the empty bottle at her side. O’Flynn yells, “You said it was for Father Reilly’s constipation!”
Sister Margaret responds, “It is. When he sees me, he’s gonna sh*t it!”
Pat and Mike have been drinking buddies for years.
One day, after having a few beers, Mike says to Pat, “We have been friends for years and, if I should die before you, would you do me a favor? I want you to get the best bottle of Irish whiskey and pour it over my grave.”
Pat replies, “I would be glad to do that for you, old friend, but would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?”
She follows her husband to the pub and takes a sip of his Guinness and asks him, “How can you come here and drink this awful stuff?”
He cries out with a pained look on his face, “And you always said I was out enjoying myself!”
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They get out of their cars and walk to the side of the road.
The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”
The Irish priest pulls out a bottle of whiskey and says, “Here, drink some of this. It will calm your nerves.”
The Rabbi drinks the whiskey and asks, “What are we going to tell the police?”
The Irish priest replies, “I don’t know what you’re going to tell them but, I’ll tell them that I wasn’t the one drinking!”
Pat is a drunk. A priest met him one day and tells Pat that, if he continues drinking like this, he will slowly get smaller and smaller until he turns into a mouse.
This frightens Pat. He goes home that night, and asks his wife, “If you notice me getting smaller and smaller, will you kill the damn cat?”
Finnegan arrives at Mrs. O’Malley’s door and says, “I’ve something to tell you.”
“Where’s my husband?”
“There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.”
“Oh God, no!”
“I’m sorry, Seamus is dead and gone.”
Mrs. O’Malley collapses into a chair and cries.
“How did it happen?”
“He fell into a vat of Guineas and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, no. He got out three times to pee.”
Mulvaney goes to Switzerland to climb the Matterhorn. He hires a guide and they’re caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a St. Bernard reaches them with a barrel of brandy under his chin.
“Hooray!” shouts the guide. “Here comes man’s best friend!”
Pat had been celebrating St Patrick’s Day at his local pub all day.
The bartender says, “No more drinking for you tonight, Pat.”
Pat replies, “Okay, I’ll be on my way then.”
Pat climbs off his stool and falls on his face. He pulls himself up by the stool.
He takes a step towards the door and falls on his face again.
He thinks that if he can get to the door and breathe some fresh air, he’ll be fine. He crawls to the door and sticks his head out to take a deep breath of fresh air, which makes him feel better. He takes one step onto the sidewalk and falls on his face yet again. He thinks he must be really drunk.
Pat can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and inside. He crawls upstairs to his bedroom door. He takes one step into the room and falls on his face again. He climbs into bed and falls asleep.
The next morning, his wife brings him a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Pat. Did you have a lot to drink last night?”
Pat says, “I did. I was drunk. How did you know?”
‘The bartender called and said “You left your wheelchair at the pub.”‘
A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, “How’s it going? Where you from?”
The other guy says “Ireland.”
The first drunk says “That’s cool! I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have a round for Ireland!” They both drink merrily.
Then the first guy says “So where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin? Awesome! I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another round for Dublin!” Once again, they both drink merrily.
Then the first guy asks, “So where did you go to school?”
“St. Mary’s, class of ’62” answers the other guy.
“Incredible! I graduated in ’62 from St. Mary’s, too! Let’s have a round for St. Mary’s!” Once again, they suck down another round.
Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, “So what’s going on today?”
The bartender answers, “Nothing… The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”