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Saint Patrick’s Day Irish Jokes 2016, Limericks, Riddles, One-Liners, Short clean Irish Stories

Saint Patrick’s Day Irish Jokes 2016, Limericks, Riddles, One-Liners, Short clean Irish Stories

IRISH JOKES AND STORIES FOR PADDY’S DAYAn Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening functions of the mid year Olympics however would have liked to have the capacity to talk their way in at the entryway. Security was tight, be that as it may, and each of their endeavors was met with a stern refusal. While meandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman happened upon development site, which gave him a thought. Getting a length of framework, he introduced himself at the door and said, "Johnson, the shaft vault," and was admitted.The Scotsman, catching this, went without a moment's delay to seek the site. When he thought of a sledge hammer, he introduced himself at the entryway and said, "McTavish, the mallet." He was additionally conceded. The Irishman searched the site for 60 minutes and was almost prepared to surrender when he detected his ticket in. Grabbing a move of spiked metal, he introduced himself at the entryway and reported, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman albeit as of now in the powers chose they'd join the S.A.S. After being required a meeting the enrolling sergeant disclosed that keeping in mind the end goal to be acknowledged into the extraordinary air administrations they should concur without a second thought to do any request whatever it might be, no inquiries get it done. All concurred no issue anything by any means. Right say's the sarge to the Englishman here's a weapon go into the room adjacent and shoot the primary individual you see. Off he goes 2 mins later he's back "sarge i can't do it, it's my wife for chris'sakes" No great to us get out. Next in goes athlete 2 mins later pull out puts weapon on table " i cannae do it, it's my small hen i willnae shoot my wife" Sarge say's awful to us get out. Sarge gives the weapon to the Irishman and sends him into the room the following thing "Blast Bang" trailed by yelling and shouting, then quiet .Next thing out comes the Irishman hair all hurled, face draining waving the firearm frantically about. "Some ##### nitwit stacked that ##### weapon with spaces, I needed to break her ##### neckTo know more about St Patricks Day Click the Link below:-
About Happy St. Patrick's Day Wiki | Meaning Of Saint Patricks Day"

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer. The Texan says, “Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other.”
The Kerry farmer says, “Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too.”
A Spanish singer chatting on television used the word ‘manana’. When asked what that meant, he said it means “maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that, next week, next month or next year. Who cares?” An Irishman in the conversation, Shay Brennan, was then asked if there’s an Irish equivalent. “No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that level of urgency”
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, “Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?”
Pat said, “Well, I have and I haven’t.”
His friend asked, “well what d’ye mean by that?”
Pat said, “It’s like this, y’see…I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another…it was neither of us.”
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all you say there?”
The agent said, Certainly ye have…Why do you ask?
Murphy replied, cancel the sale, the place sounds grand to me
O’Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”
There was a Scotsman an Englishman and an Irishman all sitting on a tea – break on a building site the Englishman pipe’s up if my wife put’s Cheese on my sandwich’s again Iam going to kill myself and the Scotsman say’s if my wife put’s Egg on my sandwich’s again I will kill myself and the Irishman say’s if I find Gammon on my sandwich’s again I will kill myself so sure enough the next day all three open up there lunch boxes and find the sandwich’s are all full of Cheese ,Egg and Gammon once again so they all go off to different part’s of the site and kill themselve’s later in the week all three men are being buried and the englishman’s wife say’s if he diddn’t want cheese on his sandwich’s he should have told me and this wouldn’t have happened then the Scotsman’s wife come’s away with the same statement concerning the Egg sandwich’s then the Irishman’s wife pipe’s up I can’t understand this, Paddy make’s his own sandwich’s.

An Irishman walks into a pub and orders dozens of martinis, removing the olives, placing them in a jar, and drinking the martinis. When the jar is filled with olives and all the martinis drank, he starts to leave. The bartender stops him and asks, “Excuse me but, what was that all about?”
The Irishman replies, “My wife sent me out for a jar of olives.”
Pat and Murphy out fishing and the boat motor dies.
After two days and drifting miles from the coast, they find a bottle in the water. Pat rubs the bottle and a genie poofs out.
“I will grant you one wish,” says the genie.
Without a thought, Pat says, “I wish to turn the sea into Guinness.”
The genie says, “Your wish is my command,” and the sea turns into Guinness.
Murphy yells at Pat, “You fool! Now, we’ll have to pee in the boat!”
Flaherty comes home drunk every evening, upsetting his wife.
One night, she dresses as a red devil and hides in the cemetery to scare him when he walks by.
Flaherty walks by drunk and his wife jumps up yelling, “Flaherty, if you don’t give up your drinking, you will go to Hell.”
Flaherty staggers back and demands, “Who the hell are you?”
She replies, “I’m the devil, you old fool!”
Flaherty responds, “Damn glad to meet you, sir, I’m married to your sister.”
Sister Margaret enters O’Flynn’s liquor store and orders a bottle of Irish whiskey.
O’Flynn frowns and asks, “You’re a nun, why would you want a bottle of Irish whiskey?”
Sister Margaret says, “It’s for Father Reilly. He’s got constipation.”
O’Flynn nods and puts a bottle into a bag.
Later that night, O’Flynn passes an alley and finds Sister Margaret drunk, the empty bottle at her side. O’Flynn yells, “You said it was for Father Reilly’s constipation!”
Sister Margaret responds, “It is. When he sees me, he’s gonna sh*t it!”
Pat and Mike have been drinking buddies for years.
One day, after having a few beers, Mike says to Pat, “We have been friends for years and, if I should die before you, would you do me a favor? I want you to get the best bottle of Irish whiskey and pour it over my grave.”
Pat replies, “I would be glad to do that for you, old friend, but would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?”

She follows her husband to the pub and takes a sip of his Guinness and asks him, “How can you come here and drink this awful stuff?”
He cries out with a pained look on his face, “And you always said I was out enjoying myself!”
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They get out of their cars and walk to the side of the road.
The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”
The Irish priest pulls out a bottle of whiskey and says, “Here, drink some of this. It will calm your nerves.”
The Rabbi drinks the whiskey and asks, “What are we going to tell the police?”
The Irish priest replies, “I don’t know what you’re going to tell them but, I’ll tell them that I wasn’t the one drinking!”

Pat is a drunk. A priest met him one day, and tells Pat that, if he continues drinking like this, he will slowly get smaller and smaller until he turns into a mouse.
This frightens Pat. He goes home that night, and ask his wife, “If you notice me getting smaller and smaller, will you kill the damn cat?”

Finnegan arrives at Mrs. O’Malley’s door and says, “I’ve something to tell you.”
“Where’s my husband?”
“There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.”
“Oh God, no!”
“I’m sorry, Seamus is dead and gone.”
Mrs. O’Malley collapses into a chair and cries.
“How did it happen?”
“He fell into a vat of Guineas and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, no. He got out three times to pee.”

Mulvaney goes to Switzerland to climb the Matterhorn. He hires a guide and they’re caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a St. Bernard reaches them with a barrel of brandy under his chin.
“Hooray!” shouts the guide. “Here comes man’s best friend!”

Pat had been celebrating St Patrick’s Day at his local pub all day.
The bartender says, “No more drinking for you tonight, Pat.”
Pat replies, “Okay, I’ll be on my way then.”
Pat climbs off his stool and falls on his face. He pulls himself up by the stool.
He takes a step towards the door and falls on his face again.
He thinks that if he can get to the door and breathe some fresh air, he’ll be fine. He crawls to the door and sticks his head out to take a deep breath of fresh air, which makes him feel better. He takes one step onto the sidewalk and falls on his face yet again. He thinks he must be really drunk.
Pat can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and inside. He crawls upstairs to his bedroom door. He takes one step into the room and falls on his face again. He climbs into bed and falls asleep.
The next morning, his wife, brings him a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Pat. Did you have a lot to drink last night?”
Pat says, “I did. I was drunk. How did you know?”
‘The bartender called and said “You left your wheelchair at the pub.”‘
A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, “How’s it going? Where you from?”
The other guy says “Ireland.”
The first drunk says “That’s cool! I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have a round for Ireland!” They both drink merrily.
Then the first guy says “So where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin? Awesome! I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another round for Dublin!” Once again, they both drink merrily.
Then the first guy asks, “So where did you go to school?”
“St. Mary’s, class of ’62” answers the other guy.
“Incredible! I graduated in ’62 from St. Mary’s, too! Let’s have a round for St. Mary’s!” Once again, they suck down another round.
Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, “So what’s going on today?”

The bartender answers, “Nothing… The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

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Happy St Patrick’s Day 2016: Irish Blessings sayings on St. Patrick's Day | Toasts to share

Happy St. Patrick’s Day 2016: Irish Blessings sayings on St. Patrick's Day | Toasts to share

Who is St. Patrick
St Patrick's Day 2016 – Saint Patrick is the benefactor holy person and national messenger of Ireland. St Patrick is attributed with conveying Christianity to Ireland. A large portion of what is thought about him originates from his two works; the Confession, a profound collection of memoirs, and his Epistola, a criticism of British abuse of Irish Christians. Holy person Patrick depicted himself as a "most humble-minded man, pouring forward a persistent paean of gratitude to his Maker for having picked him as the instrument whereby hoards who had loved icons and unclean things had turned into the general population of God."

St. Patrick’s Day Parades 2016
Arrangements are going all out during the current year's Parades and Festivals over the globe. As the vitality of spring lights nature, so too does the pending fun of St Patrick’s Weekend 2016. Skim around to get a vibe of what's occurring for St Patrick's Day 2016 in you locale, furthermore "over the water".

Irish Blessings and saying on St. Patrick's Day

Irish Blessings & Sayings

As you slide down the banister of life,
May the splinters never point in the wrong direction!

May luck be our companion
May friends stand by our side
May history remind us all
Of Ireland's faith and pride.
May God bless us with happiness
May love and faith abide.

Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter
Lullabies, dreams, and love ever after.
Poems and songs with pipes and drums
A thousand welcomes when anyone comes.
That's the Irish for you!

There's a dear little plant that grows in our isle,
'Twas St. Patrick himself, sure, that sets it;
And the sun of his labor with pleasure did smile,
And with dew from his eye often wet it.
It grows through the bog, through the brake, through the mireland,

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And they call it the dear little Shamrock of Ireland.

Irish Blessings and Sayings
May you always have
Walls for the winds,
A roof for the rain,
Tea beside the fire,
Laughter to cheer you,
Those you love near you,
And all your heart might desire!

May you be in
Heaven a half hour before the
Devil knows you're dead!

When Irish eyes are smiling,
Tis like a morn in spring.
With a lilt of Irish laughter
You can hear the angels sing
When Irish hearts are happy
All the world is bright and gay
When Irish eyes are smiling
Sure, they steal your heart away.

May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.

There are many good reasons for drinking,
One has just entered my head.
If a man doesn't drink when he's living,
How in the hell can he drink when he's dead?

May the best day of your past
Be the worst day of your future.

I'm looking over a four leaf clover
That I overlooked before
One leaf is sunshine, the second is rain,
Third is the roses that grow in the lane.
No need explaining the one remaining
Is somebody I adore.
I'm looking over a four leaf clover
That I overlooked before.

May you live to be a hundred years
With one extra year to repent.

May those who love us, love us
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts
And if he can't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles
So we will know them by their limping!

May your neighbors respect you,
Troubles neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And Heaven accept you.

May you have:
A world of wishes at your command
God and his angels close at hand
Friends and family their love impart,
And Irish blessings in you heart.

May God grant you many years to live,
For sure he must be knowing
The earth has angels all to few
And Heaven is overflowing.

These things I warmly wish to you-
Someone to love
Some work to do
A bit o' sun
A bit o' cheer
And a guardian angel always near.

Here's to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer and another one!

May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light,
May good luck pursue you each morning and night,

O Ireland isn't it grand you look
like a bride in her rich adornin?
And with all the pent up love of my heart
I bid you the top o' the mornin!

May the lilt of lush laughter lighten ever road,
May the midst of Irish magic shorten every road.
May you taste the sweetest pleasures
that fortune ever bestowed,
And may all your friends remember
all the favors you are owed.

Go mbeannai Dia duit
(May God Bless You)

For each petal on the shamrock
This brings a wish your way-
Good health, good luck, and happiness
For today and every day.

Dance as if no one were watching,
Sing as if no one were listening,
And live every day as if it were your last.

St. Patrick’s Day Blessings
May the blessing of the rain be on you—
the soft sweet rain.
May it fall upon your spirit
so that all the little flowers may spring up,
and shed their sweetness on the air.
May the blessing of the great rains be on you,
may they beat upon your spirit
and wash it fair and clean,
and leave there many a shining pool
where the blue of heaven shines,
and sometimes a star.

May the good earth be soft under you
when you rest upon it,
and may it rest easy over you when,
at the last, you lay out under it,
And may it rest so lightly over you
that your soul may be out
from under it quickly,
and up, and off,
And be on its way to God.

Dear Lord,
Give me a few friends
who will love me for what I am,
and keep ever burning
before my vagrant steps
the kindly light of hope...
And though I come not within sight
of the castle of my dreams,
teach me to be thankful for life,
and for time's olden memories
that are good and sweet.
And may the evening's twilight
find me gentle still.

May your day be touched
by a bit of Irish luck,
brightened by a song in your heart,
and warmed by the smiles
of the people you love.

May the light of heaven shine on your grave.

Bless those minding cattle,
And those minding sheep,
And those fishing the sea
While the rest of us sleep.

If God sends you down a stony path,
may he give you strong shoes.

May the rains sweep gentle across your fields,
May the sun warm the land,
May every good seed you have planted bear fruit,
And late summer find you standing in fields of plenty.

May the frost never afflict your spuds.
May the leaves of your cabbage always be free from worms.
May the crows never pick your haystack.
If you inherit a donkey, may she be in foal.

May there always be work for your hands to do.
May your purse always hold a coin or two.
May the sun always shine on your windowpane.
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Wherever you go and whatever you do,
May the luck of the Irish be there with you.

Wishing you always...
Walls for the wind,
A roof for the rain
And tea beside the fire.
Laughter to cheer you,
Those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire

May neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.

May the light of heaven shine on your grave.

May the smile of God light you to glory.

God bless the corners of this house,
And be the lintel blest,
And bless the hearth and bless the board,
And bless each place of rest,
And bless each door that opens wide
To stranger as to kin,
And bless each crystal window pane
That lets the starlight in,
And bless the rooftree overhead
And every sturdy wall.
The peace of man, the peace of God,
The peace of love on all.

Irish St. Patrick’s Day Blessings & Prayers
St. Patrick’s Day Sayings:
There are only two kinds of people in the world, The Irish and those who wish they were.

In Heaven there is no beer that’s why we drink it here!

May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live.

“St. Patrick -- one of the few saints whose feast day presents the opportunity to get determinedly whacked and make a fool of oneself all under the guise of acting Irish.” -- Charles M. Madigan

May the luck of the Irish be with you!

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your father was.

Irish diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he looks forward to making the trip.

Drink is the curse of the land. It makes you fight with your neighbor. It makes you shoot at your landlord-and it makes you miss him.

May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past.

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

May you live to be 100 years, with one extra year to repent.

Better good manners than good looks.

Lose an hour in the morning and you’ll be looking for it all day.

St. Patrick’s Day Blessings:
May the Good Lord take a liking to you... but not too soon!
May God bless and keep in good health your enemies’ enemies.

May your blessings out number
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.
May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light,
May good luck pursue you each morning and night.

May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks.
May your heart be as light as a song.
May each day bring you bright, happy hours.
That stay with you all the year long.

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.
May luck be our companion.
May friends stand by our side.
May history remind us all.
Of Ireland’s faith and pride.
May God bless us with happiness.
May love and faith abide.
May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.

St. Patrick’s Day Toasts:
Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one!

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

May your home always be too small to hold your friends.
Here's to me, and here's to you.
And here's to love and laughter.
 I'll be true as long as you.
And not one moment after.

When money's tight and hard to get,
and your horse is also ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt,

a pint of plain is your only man.

Irish Blessings and saying on St. Patrick's Day

May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.
God is good, but never dance in a small boat.

May you live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live.

If you're enough lucky to be Irish...
You're lucky enough!My wild Irish rose
The sweetest flower that grows
You may search everywhere
But none can compare to my wild Irish rose
My wild Irish rose
The sweetest flower that grows
Someday for my sake she may let me take
A bloom from my wild Irish rose

'Tis better to buy a small bouquet
And give to your friend this very day,
Than a bushel of roses white and red
To lay on his coffin after he's dead.

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